


Forties Slang Has Unintended Consequences

by shrill_fangirl_screaming



Series: all the stony au oneshots [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Fluff, M/M, im serious there is no point and you will get cavities, sweet and pointless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-26
Updated: 2014-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-06 07:50:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1850179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shrill_fangirl_screaming/pseuds/shrill_fangirl_screaming
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve Rogers is still adjusting to the 21st century. Tony Stark is still adjusting to him.</p><p>(does not need to be read in conjunction with the rest of the series)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forties Slang Has Unintended Consequences

Tony figured there would be an adjustment period for their iced Cappuccino once he woke up and saw the big bad world. Technology had exploded in the past few decades, mostly due to the innovative team at StarkIndustries, because let’s face it, Tony basically invented the future. No need for false modesty here.

When the Capsicle went down, tech was just getting started. Cars were bulky, cell phones were a pipe dream, and don’t even get Tony started on what passed for music in the forties. 

Ugh.

After a week of unfrozen, star-spangled ass hanging out in his Tower (which now had the whole team in it because let’s face it, anything Tony built was better than the alternative), Tony had to admit the Captain was doing pretty good. For an old guy.

He didn’t put metal in the microwave and he used touch screens like a pro and anything he didn’t understand, he just asked Jarvis about, and within a few minutes, he was fine again.

“You’re doing all right with this whole technology thing, Capsicle,” Tony said from where he lay, upside-down, in an armchair.

Cap shrugged and pulled his food out of the microwave. “You do realize, Tony, that I didn’t just wake up? I had time between the defrosting and the world-saving.”

Tony, of course, had not realized that, but he was Tony Freaking Stark, goddammit, and he wasn’t going to admit that come hell or high water. “Trying to be nice, iced Cappuccino. Clearly I messed up your good-mood mojo over there, so-“ Tony gestured expansively at the ceiling, “Jarvis, put on the news or something, don’t want to get decapitated.”

De-CAP-itated. Tony sniggered to himself.

The news turned on, because Jarvis was awesome, to what looked like coverage of Pride in downtown. It was hard to tell when you looked at the screen upside-down. “J, change the channel, don’t wanna harsh Capsicle’s mellow.”

Cap quirked an eye at Tony as he took a bite. “I’m still pretty gay, don’t worry about it.”

That stopped Tony cold.

He pulled himself upright, so that he was sitting in the chair like a somewhat ordinary if unusually dashing human being. He turned his whole body towards Captain Helpful and repeated, without almost any inflection. “You’re gay?”

Cap shrugged. “Relatively, yes.”

Damn. Tony flawlessly executed Escape Plan #616 by slithering to the floor and army-crawling out of the room and racing down the nearest staircase to the sweet solitude and serenity of his lab. 

“There are so many things I don’t understand,” Cap said to himself as he watched Tony drag himself across the floor by his fingernails. “So many.”

 

After a seventy-two hour stint in his lab, Tony felt a little bit better. So Captain Capable was gay. That’s fine. Good. Great, even, because the man wears spandex very well and has more muscles than God. 

Which is provable, actually, because Thor was technically a god, so he could stand in for God, and even between Thor and Cap there was no contest, because damn does Cap makes stars, spangles, and spandex look sexy. 

Which is kind of just a sign of how far down the rabbit hole Tony has fallen because Cap is an old-fashioned dork, which should not be sexy.

“Who the hell put Thrift Shop on this mix? I don’t even like Macklemore!” Tony screeched at the ceiling.

The song paused as Jarvis replied, “You put this song on the mix.”

“But… but…” Tony gesticulated for a moment, lost. “No one looks incredible in old-people clothes! It’s impossible! Finding someone hot in old peoples’ clothes is creepy and a sign that you need more coffee, yes, coffee is good…”

As he poured himself another cup, Jarvis asked, “Then should I delete the lovingly created collage of Captain America stills?”

“No,” Tony hissed into the coffee, “Mine.”

If Jarvis was a human bastard, instead of an AI bastard, he’d be smirking. “Then perhaps just the ones of Steven Rogers, prior to the serum?”

The coffee slammed to the table. “No!” Tony shouted, “Jarvis, you pretentious little shit, you know those ones are my favorite.”

And they were. While the combo of Captain America’s spangles and muscles were nice- well, a lot more than nice because dayum did Erskine do a good job- there was something about skinny little Steve Rogers that sucked Tony in like a magnet. It was easier to see his heart when he wasn’t all Cap-ified. 

Which is why Tony deliberately never called him Steve. He might just have to climb him like a tree if he did.

“There is something seriously wrong with me,” Tony moaned into his coffee.

“All known psychologists and psychiatrists agree that pansexuality is not a disorder,” Jarvis retorted, like the little shit he is.

Tony shook his head. “I swear I’m coding the bitchiness out of you one day.” Jarvis didn’t even bother replying, so Tony continued to mutter to himself like the bitter not-old man he was. “I get no respect around here, none, not around my sassy AI or my gay best friend, hey, I have a gay best friend, who knew-“

“Sir, Steven Rogers is approaching,” Jarvis said, and sure enough, in walked all six-two perfect muscles of Captain America with a Steve Rogers sheepish expression.

Tony set his coffee down and buried his hands in the newest project, which may or may not have been a good idea because he’s pretty sure it’s for Natasha and if he fucks up her stuff she’ll happily castrate him. “Hey, look, it’s a star-spangled man with a plan,” Tony said, determinedly not looking at Steve.

He couldn’t help but glance up, which was clearly a giant mistake because he was blushing, and it went down his throat, and since when did Tony have a blush kink because he honestly couldn’t think of anything but figuring out how low that blush went.

“I noticed you’d been down here for, uh, three days, so I asked a few questions, and, apparently, today the word gay means homosexual.”

Tony choked on his coffee.

Ste-Cap, Cap, Cap, Cap smiled sheepishly. “In my day, it just meant, you know, happy, carefree. I just want to clarify- I am not a homosexual.” Tony hadn’t even figured out how to respond to that- disappointment? relief? food?- when Cap added, “I’m bisexual.”

The emotional hurricane raging inside Tony’s head made it hard to reply, but the man managed to choke out, “That’s, uh, that’s, um-“

“Because Natasha told me that it was becoming more accepted nowadays but she also told me never to use dyke or fruit in that context again, so clearly a lot of things are different, but I just wanted to be clear, because you kind of freaked out…” Steve’s blush actually intensified. “I’ll just be going now, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you so uncomfortable-“

Tony shook his head. “No, it’s fine,” he said, clinging to the remaining shards of his cool with his fingernails. “I’m fine. That is, um, me too.”

Steve honest-to-God cocked his head to the side like a little golden retriever puppy.

Dammit, there were better ways to clarify his feelings than stuttering and fumbling for his words like a teenager. He grabbed the back of Steve’s head and kissed him.  
It was uncoordinated and, at first, unreciprocated, which made Tony pull away and retreat under the nearest tangle of wires and machinery. 

The silence was deafening.

“Wait, what?” Steve said, from somewhere vaguely behind and above Tony.

Tony managed to shrug. “I just, um-“

“You just kissed me.” Steve said faintly.

“Did I?” Tony asked, “Are you sure?” He was gaslighting Steve and that was bad and problematic but then again it was one of Tony’s coping mechanisms, if it was actually healthy and productive the universe would spontaneously implode-

Steve nodded. “Yes, I’m pretty sure that happened.”

“Huh,” Tony replied. 

Another long pause. Tony snuck a glance at Steve and he was still blushing deliciously, rubbing the back of his neck. He returned his eyes to his work before he did something stupid like kiss the man again. 

“So, should we just write this off as a boner, then?” Steve said earnestly.

Tony’s head hit the machinery with a satisfying “thunk”. He didn’t trust himself to move a single muscle, other than to gently and repeatedly hit his head on the machine in front of him. Jarvis, rat bastard that he was, began to explain. “Mr. Rogers, boner is no longer used as slang for a mistake. Now, it is slang for-“

“No.” Tony said. “Jarvis, never finish that sentence.”

“Noted, sir,” Jarvis replied.

Steve shuffled a bit. “Tony, I hope you realize that I’m not going to leave until I actually have a conversation with you.”

Tony sighed and stood up, glaring at Steve. “Then talk.”

The other man smiled, laughing a little, and leaned over to touch Tony’s face. “You have motor oil on your forehead.” Tony shrugged. “I shouldn’t find that cute.”

“I am not cute,” Tony protested hotly. “Cute is for babies and puppies. I am magnificent, I’ll have you know.”

Steve just sort of smiled. “Sure.”

“I will not be demeaned.”

“Okay.” Steve still hadn’t moved his hand from Tony’s face. “May I kiss you?”

Tony flailed a little and opened his mouth. “Well I kind of laid one on you earlier and, you know, it’d only be fair and whatever, you’re- mmf.”

And then Steven Rogers, Captain America, was kissing him full on the face, and Tony decided to screw his dignity and just go with it, because he had a handful of super-soldier ass and he kissed like the skinny little boy in the pictures Tony would never let Jarvis delete and he smiled in-between kisses like kissing Tony was the best thing he could possibly be doing.

So maybe their iced Cappuccino was still adjusting, but Tony would be more than happy to give him lessons on what he’d missed.


End file.
